I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
