i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
