He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
