You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
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