normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
