So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
