Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
