I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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