Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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