Barsexuality is the new black.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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