If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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