I'm so fucking centered right now
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
