erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
