Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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