She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
did i just pee glitter
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
