His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
