Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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