by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
