she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
