I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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