I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
