I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Can you bring me the toilet please
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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