Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
