The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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