Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My liver just had a heart attack.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
