That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
