you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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