There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize