I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
