mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
