Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
