The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
