Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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