why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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