i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
