i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
