I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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