I wish my penis had an off switch
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize