I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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