Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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