it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
