Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Soap is not a condiment
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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