I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
