The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
