Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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