i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
