i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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