well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
