I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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