OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
