Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
