Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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