My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
