If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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