Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
