i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
