Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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