Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
